Wednesday, December 2, 2009

wrote this last summer

I thought i was over the divorce and all that, really i did. hell a week after i thought i was cool with it.until about 10 minutes ago when i pulled a mickey mouse plate out of the drawer for a slice of late night pizza. I don't know why it hit me, I've used the plate dozens of times but i saw that mouse and I remembered, hard. It hit me so hard i sat down, in the middle of the kitchen, and remembered sitting in my bedroom, I can't even remember how long ago, listening to them argue. I heard her voice raise with an edge of hurt in it, and his answer, quiet but obviously upset. The door opens then slams twice, the car revs up then peels out down the driveway flinging gravel at the windows. The door opens then shuts quietly, I wonder rather anxiously which one stayed. Sometimes the tv turns on, sometimes i hear someone walking down the hall towards me, then turning around. The rest of the night is spent in awkward silence, the next day in even more awkward cheerfulness.

A visit to Mammaw the next day, helps keep me busy. I sometimes wonder how much she knew exactly, I do know she knew exactly what I needed most of the time.

I remember sun, mosquitoes, boredom, Abbot and Costello, dogs, sweet tea and the lake. It wasn't always bad times, in fact some of the most vivid happy memories i have are of summer days spent at the lake when She was around. So life moves on, I got a cynical, sarcastic, but laid-back attitude; He got a new girlfriend.

They're going to get married soon, believe it or not I'm happy, they complement each other well. Better than She did.

So where does that leave me? I don't feel any regret, well not about anything I could have changed. People make their own choices, thats what defines them. Will my life affect my choices? you bet it will.

I don't feel any resentment towards either of them in the least, not for "putting me through" anything, I don't blame them. Looking back I don't see any way they could have been together any other way.

I don't blame adults in general for splitting up either, if you no longer love your spouse, or feel any happiness with them, be the adult and let them move on as well as yourself. However your first priority even in the event of a split should be your children, I truly feel my dad's commitment to me even from across the state has shaped me as a man.

Does it hurt that She retains contact with our neighbors yet neglects to call and makes no effort to stay in contact? Absolutely. Do I blame her? Not in the slightest. She made a new life for herself, and I can respect that.

I don't need any sympathy, I know lots of kids had it worse of than me, in fact I could name a few.

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