Sunday, December 6, 2009

What if

Soft scratchings of a familiar number two pencil link me to the pad before me in a terrifyingly spiritual manner

As a new day ticks into being, the dull gaze of a faded alarm clock reminds me of time's ever forward march

In a philosophical mood I ponder how things might pan out differently given a second chance knowing what I know now.

I feel altogether mundane in retrospect

No major hardships have been forced on me, the only troubles in my life seem self induced

Self aware for as long as i can remember, I long ago distinguished the difference between genuine hardship and character building struggle

Perhaps if I could go back I would change the only major decision I've ever faced in my life, if only to gain the experience, discover myself born from a different matrix

How would my awareness change?

I can name at least 3 major influences to my intelligence and spirituality who would not have impacted me had I possessed the courage to follow through

While I cannot speak for the unknown influences I may have encountered I believe wholeheartedly I would be entirely less introspective, intellectual, and scholarly

Not to say in the least I would be less intelligent, or that the teachers I may have met would be inadequate-merely to say without the experiences I have had, my thirst and yearning for knowledge and self awareness may never have begun

Perhaps I could be satisfied with simple acceptance, striving merely to make friends and be liked like so many my age

Perhaps I could be "popular," even more far fetched perhaps I would want it

Perhaps I could be good old fashioned, no strings attached happy

The world of what-ifs and perhaps however remains, as always, just out of reach in the past

As it is in this reality, there stands a fine line between bliss and intelligence, once it has been crossed it proves fruitless to attempt to return

For all my poetic musings I remain, for now, a distraught teenager in a motel room, scratching out pieces of his soul


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