Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'm very worried that I am inadequate. Even with everything I do to become adequate, I feel it will never be enough. Not that I hold myself to higher standards, but that I will fall short of expectations. I am not destined for greatness. Even in the prime of my youth I recognize this. I am not especially talented, and there are few things I do better than most people. Even the things I love to do I feel I am outstripped by those much more talented than me, and that I will never be at the same level as those people. I wish there weren't so many high expectations for me to do well. If everyone believed I was going to fail, I think I would do much better in life, not only better than expectationa but better than I am doing at present. This bothers me greatly. I want to pack everything I need in a backpack, sling my guitar over my shoulder and set off down the road with no destination. Not a word of goodbye to anyone, simply leave. Not to say I wouldn't want to take a certain person with me, but she is much more adequate than I am, and would not need to escape a vast world of opportunities open to her. I feel that I am a detriment to my friends even, that I am holding them back from becoming more successful. I have no sense of consequence, no connection between action and reaction, yet i am paralyzed by fear. God I am so afraid it disgusts me. Worse yet is my excessive inability to do anything to help myself. I alternate between a catastrophic mania where I am unstoppable, fearless, and charismatic and a bottomless depth of self pity and frustration and sorrow. The sad thing is I miss the one person who I can ever say truly let me down. She was a narcissistic soul sucking vampire who drained the joy from everything and vainly abused her friends, yet she was so very incredibly easy to talk to. I almost looked her up yesterday. If only to see if her life has changed as much as mine. I earned freedom from the doldrums, surrounded myself with loyal friends and garnered the affections of a girl vastly beyond my league and have begun to condition my body into the best physical shape I've ever attained, yet I still wonder how she is doing. Pitiful really. The realization that nearly a year later and I'm still writing about her almost brings up bile. But I guess its hard to cut ties completely with your best friend, though the fact that I even considered her a friend is a mockery of the word. No, she does not keep friends, she keeps subjects. Anyone who does not feed her security of self-centric vanity is tossed aside, and anyone whose issues detract from her mirror gazing is cast away. Its ridiculously really. I have someone I feel I can talk to about anything, and she sleeps at this very moment perhaps ten feet above me. Not to mention Jessica, who I trust more than myself. Yet I still cannot shake the nagging memory in the back of my mind. Perhaps a little more time is all I need. Just a little more.

10 comments:

  1. Instead of running away with your guitar, you should use it to rock your sorrows and feelings of inadequacy away!

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  2. Don't worry, I still miss you too.

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  3. Then message me, I'm still around. Believe it or not I don't hold a grudge.

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  4. But I'm a narcissistic soul sucking vampire who takes the joy from everything. Why would you want a person like that to see how you are?
    It seems like you don't like me very much anymore.

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  5. It's easier to not remember you if I remember you like that. I needed to vent, simple as that.

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  6. You need a purpose to your life. You've taken the wrong approach. Instead of being worried of not living up to expectations, just do your best. If you can honestly say to everyone and yourself that you did that, what more in life can you ask for. If you're doing the things you enjoy, then why does it matter if someone else is better than you? Take it as a challenge to do and become better. There are very few people in life who can say "I am the best at this. No one else is as good as me." You say no sense of consequence or connection to action and reaction. And yet you obviously do. Everything in life is a reaction or consequence to what you do. EVERYTHING. So while you should enjoy your life, those "good times" you enjoy will have consequences. I would say life is about finding the good times that have good reactions. Just me though

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  7. Thanks buddy. Sometimes I just need to vent, that's all. Blow off some steam.

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  8. Well, I'm glad you have an outlet I guess. I'm sorry we couldn't work our stuff out.
    But I'm happy to hear that you're finally happy.

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  9. Maybe someday we can work our differences out and be at least friendly again. I think I would like that

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